


Warmth

by Ashikawarin



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 07:56:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19970632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashikawarin/pseuds/Ashikawarin
Summary: This was a prompt I took from tumblr like a year ago and never really finished the story. And while I was searching for some of my old writings, I saw this and thought, maybe I should finish it. So here it is.It's kind of about He Tian and Mo Guan Shan rocky relationship and what it feels like at times when secrets drown each other. And what it feels like to know that home is someone and not a place.





	Warmth

“Is that blood?”

“No?”

“That is not a question you are supposed to answer with another question,” I said, as I stared at him from my front door. I knew I couldn’t possibly just leave him outside but in my defence, he was the one who chose to walk away first. I sighed and shifted from my main door, indicating to him that he should hustle in before the neighbours’ starts asking questions. 

Part of me wanted to ask what had happened, why was he hurt. But I knew that he would just tell me to piss off as usual. As I made my way through his wounds, I kept to myself the entire time. I felt his stares and could hear his harsh breathing, he was obviously more hurt than he was letting on. Just as I cleaned up his last visible wound, he finally spoke.

"Aren't you going to ask me what had happened? You usually always do." He said as a smirk slowly forms on his face.

"It's none of my business, isn't that what you always said. So why bother asking if I already know the answer." I commented as I close the first aid box a little harder than needed. I knew it is petty of me to be still holding a grudge after 5 years, but I had always hated the idea of me not knowing a single thing about his private life. 5 years ago, this secretive private life is exactly what tore us apart. I kept the first aid in the drawer and turn to face him.

“You should leave now, the last train is about to come,” I said as I turn to open the door. Just in that very moment, my main door swing open and my mother walked in. 

“Oh my, you scared me GuanShan. Are you heading out?” my mom said as she walked into the room and dropped her keys by the main door. As I was about to answer her, she looked up and saw He Tian sitting by our living room. She gasped.

“Oh my, He Tian, is that really you? Why are you hurt and bleeding? Where have you been all these years?” She rattled on as she ran towards him and checked his wounds. My heart ached a little from the sight of my mother hovering over He Tian. We use to have moments like this, when he would return from his family job, injured and bleeding. My mother would heat up food and I would clean his wounds. It had just occurred to me that none of those incidences had been this bad. Before I could tell my mom that he was fine and was about to leave. She stood up and demanded him to take a shower and stay for the night. I stood rooted to the ground and gaped at her.

“He Tian is fine mom, he was just about to leave. He doesn’t need to stay the night, besides he has a home.” I declared. Before I could get another word in my mother had stood up tall and crossed her arms over chest. I knew what was coming. That was her ‘I am going to stare you down and challenge your position.’ I was not going to win whatever that was going to come.

“What did you just say Mo GuanShan? Did you just say that you want He Tian to head off after seeing him in this situation? And what do you mean he is fine, he clearly isn’t! And yes, He Tian has a home, his home is with us! Now you will go and dig out those clothes that you had a pack of his when we moved here, while I am going to draw a hot bath for him. Now GO!” She demanded me and no was obviously not an answer. I was hoping for He Tian to be polite and reject my mother but instead, all he did was a smile and thank my mom for her kindness.

I went over to my room and took out the box which contained all the stuff he had given me over the years, before our huge fight. I dug through the box looking for his old set of the jersey, refusing to pause and look at the faded photos and broken earrings. Nothing good ever came at staring at those and remembering the times when we were young and foolish. When the future didn’t seem to matter. It would have made things easier to pretend nothing had happened if it wasn’t for the damn sandwich pillow, that couldn’t fit anywhere. Maybe he could sleep on it today as a spare mattress. By the time I re-emerged from my room, He Tian was already in the shower and my mother was seated at the dining room with her tea. She had pulled out a chair beside her, clearly indicating for me to sit.

5 years ago, well I stayed with He Tian most days during those times. We were younger, happier and well as troubled as always but we always managed to power through. I mean, with my temper and his dick-ass attitude, the fact that we hardly fought was always a win to me. But what bothered me the most was that he had too many secrets.

The late-night calls that would cause him to leave the house, or the sudden long ‘vacation’ he took. Or simply just vanishing into thin air and reappearing days later, slightly beaten up and bleeding. And every single time, I would ask what had happened and every time he would shift the conversation away. And then one day, it all came crashing down on us.

He came home, with a broken arm and a bleeding leg. His nose was broken and he had bruises all over. The man that worked for his brother, Qiu was his name, had half carried him to our couch and left him there. The silence was deafening, as I took some pails of water and cloth. He Tian laid on the sofa, coughing up blood. And I knew he had a broken rib. There was only so much I could do. I asked him what had happened, and before he could divert the question, I lashed out.

That there was only so much I could take, and so much I could do. Because if I did not know more about his life, how was I supposed to help him? We both weren’t in a great place that day, and he lashed out as well. Saying that none of this is my business and that I should just bugger off because I can’t handle it. And that was the last straw for me, I told him that I was sick of these secrets and lies. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be like this. He Tian went and said that if I can’t handle it, he would have just gone to some other underground medic instead of hearing me nag all the time. I could feel my blood boiling in me, and that was when I blurted out about a new job offer I had just gotten, away from this town. He Tian, without a single moment of hesitation, told me that I should take the job and get out of our home, because if I can’t handle him and his secrets then what’s the point of us being together. I was shocked and angered by what he had said, but before I could muster up anything to say. He told me to forget it, took his wallet and stumbled his way out of the apartment.

I thought to myself then, one last time. And I told him, if he really leaves this time, I would really go. He Tian said the words that shattered my heart that day. He said to be his guest and that he doesn’t want to see me here when he returns. With that, he closed the main door. All I did was stood there, in the huge apartment that we use to share, feeling like all the years we spent have been for nothing. I took my suitcase and started packing up. I have overstayed my welcome, and it’s time to move on.

“Guan Shan, how are you feeling?” my mom said as she reached over to hold my hand.

“It’s been 5 years mom, how the hell did he know where we were staying?” I grumbled. Thinking about it, I really left without a traceback then. I took everything and left the apartment, booked a hotel and paid with cash. Took my mom and we just left. I cancelled my phone line, I thought I did a pretty good job about vanishing. The start of the 5 years was hard, we had unpacked our things and realise He Tian left a number of things in my mom’s house, along with that huge sandwich. Somehow, we didn’t bear to throw that away. Every other night, I would head to the riverbank and just stare out into the city landscape. It always reminded me of our apartment. It took about a year and a half before I removed the earrings he gave me, and another 6 months before I threw it off our building floor. Only to rush back down to find it broken. Broken, just like our relationship. The remaining years went by without much activity. There was no late-night calls and the fear of someone never coming home. My thoughts were broken when I felt my mom stroking my face.

“Son, no matter how many years have passed, I know your heart hasn’t changed. Because if it had, you would have thrown that box away. Maybe, maybe this time you should talk to him. Properly. Do not make a fight out of this, there is no winner here.” I looked over at my mom with doubt. But before I could say anything, I hear him.

“I got this wound from my family, we are, well they are in charge of one of the largest mafia groups in China. They have businesses across the world, legal ones, to cover up the dirty things they do. Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on you. I just kind of heard.” He Tian answered.

“The truth is, I never really thought you would have left that night. I thought we were fighting and that it would always end with you, waiting for me. But that time, I was wrong. I came back after a few days and realise that you were really gone. I rushed to your mother’s place and there was another family living there already. I guess that was when I knew, it was really over. I thought maybe it would be for the best. So I never tried looking for you both. But the days got longer and the hours felt more agonising, every time after a job, knowing that there was no one home….. I just felt so empty.” He lamented.

“How did you find us,” I asked, just as he pulled out a chair and took a seat.

“I saw your mom the other day when I was out doing a job. And I knew I just had to follow her. I watched you both from across the street, and you two just seemed so happy. Seeing you both laughing, I finally felt something for the first time in 5 years. And I just, I just knew that I can’t do this anymore.” He recounted I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt my heartache.

“I went off without really finishing the job I was given, and my family was really pissed. I realise that my family isn’t home. Because home is where the warmth is, and there is no warmth with you. So I told them, I’ll duel their best fighter, and if I win, I get to leave. Well, I guess you know the rest. I guess I am really here because I never got to apologise to you 5 years ago. That night was a shitty night, and we got ambushed during a raid. That was how I ended up so badly hurt, I just couldn’t deal with everything that was happening that night and I lashed out at you. I shouldn’t have, you cared and all I did was push you away. I’m sorry. I…...I was hoping that with this, we could try again.” He finished. My mom grabbed my hand slightly tighter before standing up and whispering something in my ear. She smiles at He Tian and heads into her room, closing the door. Leaving me with him. I took a deep breath.

“My life, our life, have been amazingly normal since you left. We never had to worry about anyone coming home in a casket or in limbs. Or whatever is it that you do. Or use to. A few years back, my mom got really sick, and the doctor said that the air in China is too polluted for her. So she is moving, in about 2 weeks time. She’s migrating to New Zealand and she’s never coming back. And I am going with her.” I announced. I thought to myself maybe that’s what our whole relationship was about, missed time and opportunities. He doesn’t say anything, and the silence engulfs the room. I could almost feel us drowning in it. It’s time to let go. I gestured to the door as I turned away from him. I saw him turn his back to me the other time, I won’t do it again. I hear the chair scratch against the floor, and it went straight into my heart. But the sound of the door opening did not come. Instead, I hear him take a deep breath.

“Can…..Can I come with you?” He asked timidly.

“Depends, do you have any more secrets?” I let out, more vicious than I thought.

“The only secret I have left is that without you, I can’t go on.” He answered. Finally, after 5 long years, I felt myself cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! It has been a crazy long time! And I would like to update anyone who reads this that I have moved to Brisbane for further studies!
> 
> It's been a wild ride, and though I just started and have not really made any friends, I am excited. Also very worried because of the debt that I would obviously owe at the end of this but excited for the future and what it holds.
> 
> 19 days have been great read guys! and though I haven't felt the massive urge to write a new story here is one that I manage to finish. The latest chapter is too cute. 
> 
> Let me know what are your thoughts for this story!
> 
> Also, I have had an original story circling my head for the longest time and I would love to draw it out but I am terrible at drawing and I thought if I should write it, but some scenes in my head are so in a comic strip that I frustrate myself.
> 
> Well, there's really all. Here's to another awesome 19days chapter. And say hi if you live in Brisbane too! 
> 
> Love all of you and keep fighting the good fight!


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